Do partners have a right to keep their past private?

Dougie (No)

Amid mounting modern-day horror stories of double lives and deceit in the dating world, there are valid fears of being blindsided by a big secret from their partner’s past at some point. Our pasts have shaped us in many ways, impacting our personalities and communication styles more than we might realize. Even if something seems unimportant, it could lead to an eye-opening revelation that allows your partner to understand, accept, and support you more fully. Being transparent with our past is the best way to reassure our partner and feel seen.

Open and honest communication is a cornerstone of any strong relationship. Sharing personal and past details with a committed partner is not just about transparency; it's about building stronger bonds for lasting intimacy. Intentionally keeping things from your partner, on the other hand, can be a recipe for disaster. Especially if it’s something that would bother your partner, as in something they’d likely feel deceived to learn that you kept from them, then it's best to be straight up with them. Hiding things gets easier with practice, and covering things up can quickly evolve into lying, then snowball out of control. Such avoidant behavior could also be linked to deeper, more serious issues.

Nothing stays hidden forever. Sweeping something under the rug won’t make it go away; it can actually make it worse. Keeping a secret can lead to festering shame and harmful anxiety. Then, whenever your partner learns your secret, all the credibility and trust you’ve built will be destroyed. Even the most difficult truths of your past can, and arguably should, be shared with your significant other. No one should fear being judged if someone they care for learns the truth about their past.

Bre (Yes)

Partnerships can be perfectly honest and sincere without divulging every private detail of each person’s past. Secrecy and privacy are different. There’s nothing inherently problematic about a person choosing to keep certain details of their past to themselves. In certain cases, like when an experience would be particularly stressful or traumatic to recount, it’s probably best to leave the subject alone. Sometimes those embarrassing moments or painful memories are better left undisclosed. And others may not even see those instances as relevant or important enough to share anyway. Everyone experiences countless interactions throughout their lives, many of which have little to no impact on someone's life and don’t need to be shared. 

In some cases, over-sharing could even be detrimental to a relationship. Statistically speaking, a portion of the population is probably partnered with members of the witness protection program, meaning they may actually be legally barred from disclosing specific stories from their past. It’s also not uncommon to completely forget or omit certain moments of our personal history. Some things may not register as particularly significant, while others could have been subconsciously blocked out. Additionally, it's up to both parties to ask important questions as they get to know each other better. In that context, what is shared and what is omitted will become clearer to the person sharing, and boundary lines will be clearly drawn.

Ultimately, everyone’s personal experiences are their own. As such, it’s entirely up to each individual if, when, or with whom they choose to share them. Keeping some things to ourselves isn’t just acceptable; it’s a healthy aspect of knowing oneself, which is integral to maintaining fulfilling relationships. Building trust is undoubtedly important, but it doesn’t demand full disclosure.